Eat, pray,love myself first !

Consciously Slowing Down

by Clare

I booked Albion Nights in Bungay on the coldest weekend of the year.

A tiny cabin, tucked in the middle of a field through an orchard ,stunning, remote, quiet… and absolutely bloody freezing. I was so cold I slept in my great big fluffy coat all night long.

There’s something about being alone in the silence like that.

There comes a point where you can isolate yourself so much in your isolation that you suddenly realise all you are craving is connection.

And this is where I’m at.

This year, navigating my divorce has been the most challenging year of my life. I love my peace. I’m good in my own company. But I’ve had a lot of that this year, a real lot and I’m now ready to be connected again. I want friends. Family. I want to laugh and dance and enjoy my life again.

Behind the scenes, despite everything that’s been happening at I Am The Storm, despite what Instagram may show, I struggled to enjoy being with people. I hid under a rock. I cut myself off. I found it hard to speak openly about my emotions. I found it hard to open up to anyone. Who could safely hold it , I didn’t know what it was I needed so it was best I just hid it and talked positively about the mill. Inside I was crumbling. I didn’t know what was happening it felt like an out-of-body experience at times. It’s been horrific, and I know many of you understand because you’ve navigated the storm of divorce yourselves. It wasn’t because i made the wrong decision it was very much the right decision but no one told me how hard it would be from going from being a wife to being well a dog mum and accidental business owner navigating it all just me !

But there is light at the end of the tunnel now.

And I am travelling , honestly the reason this year , I just can’t face christmas, my parents , love them , are in their 80’s and will be asleep after a couple of hours. So I decided to book a dream destination somewhere that has been on my bucket list forever !

I’m heading back to Greece to my yoga school to reconnect with the beautiful group of teachers I trained with in 2022. And then on Christmas Eve I fly to Bali I’ll be up in the sky on Christmas Day, wondering what a vegetarian Christmas dinner on an aeroplane looks like. I’m going to a women’s surf and yoga retreat where they’ll probably do a deep dive on me. Not because I think I need “fixing,” but because I want to stop repeating old patterns. At 48, I want genuine connection. I don’t want to be on my own forever. I hope I find someone lovely and I hope I am lovely for them too.

And I’ll say the thing so many are afraid to say out loud:

I don’t want to die alone. It’s been a huge fear especially since not having kids. I actually really don’t want to be alone but it is what it is currently.

Damn I have done so much sitting with my pain I know all the bloody misery inside out. It really is time for some joy again.

Saying that I also don’t want to abandon myself ever again. I’ve done that too many times in my marriage, and in relationships where I put other people’s needs far above my own. I went down a spiritual path that my ex couldn’t follow. I changed massively. I healed. I trained. I grew. And I can’t put all of that on him. It was never going to be his world and I fell in love with yoga and spirituality more than my marriage.

The truth is, I’m fiercely independent. I always have been. I adore my quiet, my space, and my freedom. But in relationships it scares me how entwined you can become, how easily you can lose yourself. So time out doesn’t hurt. I think it’s healthy to have your own stuff, ambitions, hobbies ! But do I want to be alone forever? Absolutely not.

So let’s declare it.

Universe, do what you need to do.

Returning to Peace

Ever since my first yoga course in Greece, a wave of peace washed over me in a way I never knew I needed. My life had been so busy I know I always talk about it, but being a police officer in London for 17 years… the pace was indescribable. I wouldn’t last two minutes in that world now.

When I finally allowed myself to take my teacher training, to reconnect with my mind, body, and soul, I realised how much I’d been numbing out. How much I was missing. I had been craving peace. Craving softness. Craving quiet.

This year, the pace picked up again dramatically. I had no control around it. As you know, I Am The Storm has grown beautifully. It touches hearts and lives. I watch friendships blossom, stories are shared, vulnerability is spoken and honoured.

It’s humbling to be a small part of it.

There is more that connects us than divides us, and yet so much loneliness still exists. So many people struggle silently I did it too this year in places. I hope our little yoga community continues to bridge those gaps. And I’m always here for a message. Especially if you are navigating a really crappy divorce or break up. Emotions and hearts are complicated. Minds run wild. Yoga helps me balance it all, and I hope it can do the same for you.

This year at times the pace has been ridiculous.

I’ve used my practices to keep my balance.

But I am someone who gets drawn back into the busy , a nervous system wired by chaos. 999 calls used to excite me the madder the shift the better. The more you throw at me, the more I cope. I guess being thrown in to some pretty dramatic scenarios in London has helped me see the wood for the trees this year. The busier it gets, the more I feel I’m achieving. Thriving it felt like success.

Yet what I actually crave is the exact opposite.

I’ve allowed myself this weekend at Albion Nights. I’m not here totally alone a friend is joining me Saturday for a gig and a dance (God, I love dancing and I love friendship even more it has helped me survive this year) But Friday night and Saturday day, it’s just me. No dogs. No noise. Just writing, reading, resting, meditation maybe to manifest rather than sitting with pain.

I adore my precious solitude but i don’t need it all the time.

A few years back, I struggled with what life would look like as a childless not by choice woman. And the universe has taken me on the most unexpected journey. Now I peel back another layer childless and single at 48 and do you know what? Honestly I am actually doing okay.

Yes, I am wired for connection.

Yes, I get lonely.

Yes, I hope for love.

But I can sit with what is.

I can feel it all and still know I’m enough.

Buddhist meditation has taught me how to sit with pain. I’ve learned I have no control over life none of us do. Meditation and yoga have held me together, along with the love of old and new friends this year.

Travel, Practice, Purpose

My upcoming travel is an alternative Christmas, to say the least. Back to Greece. Then Bali. A surf and yoga retreat. Aerial yoga training. Time to wanderlust around spiritual corners of Ubud.

I’m extroverted and introverted. I chatter endlessly, but I crave peace. I’ve reached a point where I quite like myself, I’m funny, often unintentionally, and I’m calmer than I used to be. Or at least that’s the aim. I want a simple, quiet life the universe had different plans this year, but it’s been a huge year of growth.

I’m learning to take breaks, create pockets of peace, enjoy the upside of not having kids there is time to rest, reflect, breathe, heal. Meditation helps. Even when it’s a slow burn. Even when some days it doesn’t happen. it’s ok. it’s all ok.

Going forward, I’ll plan more breaks some alone so I don’t burn out. The Mill is my anchor, my safe place. Every smile, every story of transformation, hearing little wins, someone who doesn’t need a chair for yoga anymore, someone who said it’s the first time the chatter in their head stilled, I didn’t think yoga would be like this, I didn’t think i could do yoga, those comments fill my heart. That’s what drives me.

I’ve submitted our application to become a Community Interest Company i didn’t think I would get around to it this year but somehow I have ,a proper social enterprise. Slowly, gently, intentionally. The vision is to reach more charities, more community groups, more people who need connection. I am one of them !

We’re back in talks with the Pandora Project, continuing work with First Focus in Fakenham, and About with Friends and their special needs community they are all glorious souls.

I’ve found an incredible small team of directors. I’m so grateful. Both have been incredible to me this year and a huge emotional support, they both took some serious mental spiralling off me and held me safely.

This is the work I want to do.

My dharma.

My purpose.

Selfless service without abandoning myself ever again.

There will be more cabins, more quiet weekends, more Cornwall, more surfing, more of the things I love. And yes, more building of I Am The Storm. In balance !

So that’s my year it been really bloody messy in places I have been really bloody messy in places but the mill has been everything and so has the community.

Thank you to everyone who has supported us/me this year.

Your friendships , love and kindness have been a lifeline.

I’ll be writing more while I travel. When I get quiet, the words flow. If it helps even one person feel less alone, that’s enough for me.

We all struggle.

And the community at the Mill can hold it all.

Thanks for reading.

Clare xxx

Beautiful if not a little chilly Albion nights cabin.

(I just better caveat it wasn’t that cold the second night as Lucy came and showed me how to work the fire properly- off grid living skills need some work)