Finding my teacher, acceptance and a way forward.

A post dedicated to raising awareness for World Childless week 16-22 September.

Finding my teacher. 

After 17 years as a Metropolitan Police officer, never in my wildest dreams would I have envisioned the life I have now, although that tiny seed must have been there somewhere. After navigating failed rounds of IVF and also being told we would not be able to adopt a child, this heartbreak was a pivotal turning point in my life. It put me on the biggest healing journey of acceptance and surrender. I went to a yoga class for the first time as a result of working in Hackney investigating crimes of Domestic Violence, I needed something that would allow me to switch off from the noise in my mind. Yoga I had heard would maybe do the trick. In my late twenties I shuffled into a large hall only to realise that when I tried to sit cross legged on the mat , my body would not allow me to do so. I was holding so much stress, trauma and pain . I was holding everything I was dealing with at work and more. I felt the benefits of yoga though from my very first class, my attendance over the years was ad hoc to say the least as my lifestyle had no routine and very little work life balance.

If you had told me this tiny seed was to bloom in to being a full time yoga teacher raising funds for dog rescue charities I would have laughed my head off. 

The universe had a plan for me one that I never saw coming, I got married and left the police, edited highlights here, actually I took a five year career break as I was unsure If leaving the police was going to be for me, I mean what else would I do, I had become institutionalised. My whole identity wrapped up in being a cop. Leaving that world made me feel a huge loss, fortunately my marriage and husband gave me the time, space and resources to figure out what was next. Randomly choosing to get back in touch with a long lost creative side I trained to be a florist. We tried for a family during this time and it was not meant to be for me. This event spiralled me to loose every part of myself as I had known it - What now, what next ? Where did I fit in society without ever becoming a Mother. My whole world turned upside down, no career, no children and no sense of purpose. After struggling with some very dark feelings that I had nothing to live for, visiting a doctors who told me my heart palpitations and anxiety was a figment of my mind and that maybe some antidepressants and a psychiatrist would help. I decided against his advice - I have never been one to do things by half. I knew this was a big road ahead, I was going to have to go all in on finding an alternative, I could not sustain life as it was at that point. I was making myself unwell and I needed something to shift in a big way. Over the course of 2 years I found a counsellor , life coach, booked myself on a retreat and also a 200 hour yoga teacher training course in Greece to progress my practice. I arrived on retreat and to my joy there was yoga every morning. I got chatting to the teacher after class one day telling her I was off to Greece in December to complete a 200 hour Yoga teacher training course, she said. 'what will you do after'. I said ‘oh I don’t know, it will hopefully make me a little better at yoga’. She said. ‘Teach clare and don’t put it off’. Seeing as the retreat was all about overcoming self limiting beliefs I started to think the wonderful wise yoga teacher was on to something. She continued  ‘Clare, name your yoga group, name it soon, find a venue , advertise what you are doing and that you will be a new teacher, go for it don’t wait, you will loose your confidence and self doubt will creep in otherwise.’ In my head I thought she’s right, why not.

A month later I had named my yoga group I am the storm yoga - there is another story in its own right as to why I chose this name , more synchronicity, thank you universe, to be told another time ! It reflects our own inner storms and turbulence , we have a choice how to negotiate those, we need time to learn the tools, gaining the resources of how to process emotions, feelings, our energy and life events. Acceptance as to what my life is now, has been such a huge part of my journey so far. I booked a village hall, made some flyers 12th January 2023 beginners yoga group with clare. I shared it on my social media - what the hell was I doing I had not even started the training course and yet something felt like it was leading me my intuition knew this was right. 

I packed my bag travelled with my husband to Athens who waved me goodbye for a month as I got on the blue star ferry an eight hour crossing to the island of Amorgos. I had booked a cabin and was listening to a journaling workshop on how to reframe our thoughts as the ferry took me to one of the most magical life changing islands I have ever been to.

I arrived in Amorgos late at night, a few other yogis waiting around to be picked up. The hotel mini bus arrived , bleary eyed with not much chatter we climbed aboard as the driver whisked us up the mountainside to the glorious Aegialis Hotel and yoga school. A big party was going on in the hotel bar and instantly my heart sank I thought I was coming to a peaceful haven this place seemed crazy, I got that so wrong, initial judgements when you are tired are never to be relied on. They gave me my room key, I found my room and crashed out.

Later that day I met two ladies also on my course Dorine and Annie we walked down to the little fishing port overlooking the Aegean sea, drinking white hot chocolate in the most idyllic café. We were all nervous, tomorrow the course started.

We rose at 6am and made our way to ‘Namaste’ yoga shala, a huge room with shiny wooden floors, and glass windows over looking the bay where the mountains meet the sea, it was beyond magical. The remnants of last nights party long gone. I felt my whole nervous system start to relax. 

As I walked in the class music I could only describe as spiritual was playing and at the very front of the room wrapped in a blanket, in meditation, was my teacher, Miriam Indries, the blanket bulked out her tiny frame, her light blonde hair shimmering in the sunlight. I watched her intently, she was the most beautiful, peaceful looking person I had ever seen. She finished her meditation , briefly welcomed us, inviting us to remove all expectation of her and ourselves. She led us for an hour and a half of Hatha vinyasa yoga . In Savasana my teacher taught us mantras 'I am love, I am made from love, I am made to be loved'. I laid on the mat, 'I am enough' She told us to mentally repeat the mantras to ourselves it was the first time I had heard these words, this first time I applied them to myself and the first time I truly allowed myself to feel my pain. Tears quietly started to stream from my eyes, my teacher had not spoken many words other than instructing the class and yet in that moment I knew I was home. I knew I had found the teacher that would help me change my mindset, my life path, helping me to reconnect to my mind, body and soul. She was beyond magical. Yoga literally saved my life and my teacher Miriam Indries was and is to this day my complete inspiration.

'I am the artist of my life, I can create the life I want to live and from this moment on everything is possible' Words by Miriam Indries.

The smile says it all. Just the beginning of my new journey receiving my first yoga teacher training certificate with Miriam Indries - my beloved teacher and Stavros Loulourgas one of the Directors at Aegialis Hotel. December 2021.