Lightning strikes

Today’s quote to inspire us to write came from Rick Rubin’s The Creative Act, The Way of Being.

I went to Writers’ Club today. It’s held at the Glaven Bistro on a Thursday morning at 9 a.m. It started off really small formed by the amazing local artist Antonia Clare it has bloomed into a really lovely group of people and some gorgeous friendships have come from this connection.

Last year, lightning struck me. My brain was buzzing with ideas, and it came at a time when I wasn’t sure if I had the capacity for the level the universe rushed in at. Most of the time I was operating from overwhelm and survival. And yet things built, and I built, and I created, and there was growth. After that, there was collapse and also exhaustion. I kind of over did it !

This year, the energy is different, and I am considering my slow down and what I can do to dodge the strikes. Maybe lightning strikes us in many ways creatively and also in love. I’m trying this year to dodge both. I’m choosing to potter.

I have made some tricky decisions to create space. It wasn’t easy to do, but I am honouring a slow down. I’ve actually given up training as a therapist and don’t intend to return to it. That was a big decision.

I’m also moving house over the next couple of weeks and creating a home again from scratch. I literally went out and bought spatulas and a kettle yesterday. Apart from a bed and sofa, I am starting over completely. So that will be my creative outlet for a while to create this glorious, cosy little nest for me and the dogs.

I am always in my thoughts and in my mind often too much , lately it has been a messy place, so messy that I had an assessment for ADHD and spoke with a medical team about whether I might be suffering from PTSD, which could be highly likely after 17 years in the police and some recent events in my life last year.

I have not been in a good place.

It turns out my anger, tantrums, short temper, have felt really deeply disturbing like a huge brain fog have been down to needing HRT. Yes, it is the start of that journey for me. Deep joy.

The doctor was really good as I sat there trying to convince him that, despite some quite big traumatic life events in the last five years, I was actually normally a fairly stable human. But lately it’s been like an elephant has been sat on my head, and I’ve had tension in my brain that felt like it was going to explode. At times I have had an explosive temper which is not like me at all.

I have every mindfulness technique in my toolbox to deal with this, but actually, since getting back from travelling to Bali, I was convinced that I was really, actually very mentally unwell. It’s been a bit scary.

Lovely friends told me, off the back of last year, to give myself a break. The only problem is, giving myself a break is not something I’m always good at. Yes, meditation and asana quiet my mind, but actually, I love being on the go. I also take on too much, say yes to everything, and a friend recently said to me, “Where are you in all of this?” And I was like, oh yeah, you are right. Where am I?

So anyway, let’s see what happens with this HRT gel for this crazy old yoga teacher. I have heard good things fingers crossed !

My self-talk has not been particularly high vibe either lately. I have been giving myself a right tough time of it !

A small group of us from yoga have been exploring Buddhism recently. I have been curious for years. I have always had big patches of solitude, with relationships and friendships never actually coming really easily to me. I love being alone and also crave connection too we are complex souls.

So last night I went to the meditation and talk at the Norwich Buddhist Centre, and I felt like I was being directly spoken to. My body bristled as the visiting speaker spoke of his recent three weeks of solitude in a mountainside hut in Spain and likened it to his favourite place to go, which is the Isle of Skye. As you know, I have a love for this place too.

He spoke about being introverted and how many of the Buddhist community are. He spoke of discovering solitude, where the mind goes and that there are no masks, no roles that we play it is just us, unaffected by anything but our own minds and the stories we can create.

Three weeks. No emails. No phone. He said.

I’m so curious about the mental strength needed to retreat from the world this way. It inspires and draws me.

Driving home, I was speaking to my friend who comes along to yoga. “I’ve never spent so much time alone,” I said to her, much to her surprise.

She said, “You’re always surrounded by loads of people.”

I said, “Yes surrounded, but often alone.”

It’s been a time of deep solitude since last May, and I have sat with a lot, processing emotions. And in that time, I’ve occasionally been on my knees and really emotional. No amount of gratitude practices felt like I was going to pull out of it.

I think this period of solitude is here to teach me that I have much to face up to.

In the past, when those voids came, I would fill them with friends and courses and seek out new relationships. But this time… I’m going to do things differently.

What would my life look like if I consciously chose to sit in the void and dodge the lightning strikes?

What would my life look like if I consciously chose to live alone for the rest of my days?

What if I consciously chose to finally believe I am enough for me?

What would life be like if we were not influenced by partners, friends, jobs?

What if we really had the space to choose and allow that flow to do whatever it needs to do and take it wherever we need to be taken?

It is a shift of energy. It is a shift of mindset.

And it’s time to avoid the lightning strikes, shelter, and repair from all of my recent storms.

I’m excited to be starting a new six-week course in Buddhism very soon. I can’t wait to share more of that journey. (she can’t not be learning about something)

The course is going to be around reactivity and creativity two things that I definitely need to work on.

Anyway, honest as always. A little one from me today.

Thanks for reading.

See you all soon at the Mill, Maybe I am destined to become a buddhist monk i am open to the flow of it all ! Let’s see hey !

Clare 🩶